Blockages of Compassion

Sep 22

Introduction

I remember a scene from a Disney animal/nature documentary called Earth 2. One of the episodes is filmed on Fernandina Island, in the Galapagos, showing the savage terrain, death-defying landscape, and race between iguanas and snakes. Iguanas, once born find themselves being chased by snakes and must race to safety.

This scene gripped me because it reflects many aspects of life. Humans, like other animals, are driven by survival instincts, which are rooted in the need to reproduce. This drive leads to other stressors such as the need for money and power, a tiresome cycle.

Relationships often start out promising but can grow sour or stale over time. While it would be ideal to remain open to love after heartbreak, the repeated pain can make it increasingly challenging to do so.

In the early stages of a relationship, people tend to idealize their partners and present their best selves. Love flows effortlessly during this phase, but it doesn't fully reveal the complexities that emerge as the relationship progresses. As the relationship evolves, hidden dynamics can surface, leading to turbulence and the need to fight for survival, much like the iguanas (reptilian brain) and the snakes (those we perceive as enemies). It is sad to think one minute it is a pleasant picnic at the park, and the next, it is a scene from Fernandina Island.

As a counselor, I frequently assist individuals dealing with relationship difficulties, whether it's with others or themselves. Let's be honest, relationships can be quite challenging. Nowadays, people place a high value on themselves and are unwilling to settle for less than what they believe they deserve. This possibly contributes to the high turnover rate in relationships. In data collection determining success rate for relationships over time, 70% of breakups happen within the first year of a relationship. In another study among unmarried 18 to 35-year-olds, 36.5% had one or more break-ups over 20 months. After a breakup, many people aim to "heal" and become a better version of themselves for their next relationship. However, this plan can backfire when the new partner brings up old issues, making you question if relationships are just not your thing after all.

The repetitive cycle can take a toll on the body and mind. Anger and grief can block the heart, which in turn blocks our compassion center and our ability to love and connect with others and ourselves. According to Buddhist teachings, the Chakra system is considered to be a network of energy vortices that run along the length of your spine, regulating your body’s energy and the connection between your different bodies (physical, spiritual, mental, and energetic) and your environment. In this chakra system, the heart chakra is considered to be the center.“ The heart chakra rules our love, compassion, emotional awareness, and trust. A blockage in this chakra can lead to significant distress in our lives. “Heart chakra blockages can look like difficulty forgiving others, lack of self-love, being trapped in toxic relationships, grief, loneliness, fear of betrayal, immune issues, chest tightness, and more,” according to G. Robledo. To assist with this issue, it would be beneficial to gain a deeper understanding of barriers to compassion and explore potential solutions to overcome them.

The Blockages

Let’s look at the different things that can block our ability to experience compassion for others and ourselves.

FEAR - The bottom line is that fear is the driving force behind all "blockages." In martial arts, you "block" an oncoming attack by bracing your body and tensing for impact. You can imagine it as a casing of armor solidifying around your soft interior tissue to shield and protect against potential attacks, similar to an armored casing. Your body reacts in the same way when it senses imminent danger; not only with physical danger, but emotional danger as well. The body will shield itself from the emotional danger of pain that comes from loss/grief, abandonment, death, ego death, and loneliness. Fear is the underlying cause of all subsequent issues, as they are all fundamentally reactions to fear. Fear motivates people to fight for survival, much like the iguanas at war with the snakes on Fernandina Island. Running from everyone.
It is good to remember that we cannot control what happens to us, all we can do is focus on feeling well in the moment and accept what the universe sends us.
MISINTERPRETATION- When we don't understand someone's situation or feelings, it's harder to empathize. We may interpret their behaviors as attacks when they are intended to be pleas. If people are products of a mixture of genetics and environment, imagine the infinite variety this can create of perspectives and personalities. These all play a part in creating the specific tint of filter through which each individual experiences the world. The issue here is that people often forget this when communicating with others and how that plays a part in interpretation.
It is important to make sure people feel understood and to make sure you understand them correctly by reflecting and asking for clarity and checking to see if you are understanding them correctly.
CULTURAL FILTERS- People come from all manners of backgrounds, cultures, genders, sexes, socioeconomic classes, ages, experiences, etc. These categories significantly affect perspectives, communication styles, relationship expectations, opinions, values, habits, behaviors, and unconscious belief systems.
COMMUNICATION FILTERS- Language contains dialects, and slang terms. Words sometimes carry different meanings to others. Some people speak with a certain tone that may trigger someone else. Tonality wavers and can reveal something words don’t. This is something that people should take into account. Volume levels can induce nervous response and therefore may produce an undesirable outcome. Language itself is very limiting as different words used may carry different meanings to other people. Also, certain words may fall short of what someone intends to convey as well. When people fixate on words, accuracy, and grammar, instead of working on interpreting the intended meaning behind what is said, they can carry a conversation into tangents of semantics.
JUDGEMENTAL VS ASSERTIVE LANGUAGE- Some family cultures have become accustomed to using Judgmental language instead of Assertive language. There may be various factors contributing to this, such as families recovering from historical trauma, immigration and minority discrimination, and economic hardship. These stressors can create impatience, defensiveness, and a lack of efficient communication in family systems. This style of communication can be harmful and unproductive as it tends to create defensiveness and conflict rather than understanding and resolution.
It is important to pay attention to tonality and volume as those add complexity to what is being said. Also, keep in mind there is often a deeper message that is intended beyond what is said, therefore try not to get stuck on semantics.
LOW EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT (EQ) AND POOR COMMUNICATION SKILLS Intense emotions can cloud our empathy. This can be especially difficult when the nervous system is activated and the amygdala is triggered, pushing people into a fight-or-flight response. Factors like early childhood trauma, chronic invalidation, poor caregiver modeling, mental health disorders, neurodivergence, and simply never being taught emotional regulation skills all contribute to the challenge. These aren't things typically covered in school, so it's important to understand that for many people, emotional regulation doesn’t come easily. Some don’t learn to recognize somatic symptoms and emotions in their bodies until later in life, as these skills may not have been modeled during childhood. Therefore, empathy is scarce when conflict is afoot. No wonder so many dread it!
Most people don’t regularly tune into their bodies or fully understand their emotions, let alone communicate them effectively. As a result, emotions often surface in indirect ways, such as in language. Meaning to convey a need for closeness, can come off as sounding offensive. For example, someone might say, “I feel like you're disrespecting me and don’t care about me,” when what they’re feeling is, “I feel sad because I’m afraid you might leave me.”
Practicing emotional regulation will help one stay open to other’s feelings and your own. As mentioned earlier, assertive language is much more effective than judgmental language. Assertive communication is a skill that can be learned and is essential for building healthy relationships, allowing individuals to address issues openly and directly rather than indirectly. Alongside this, developing body awareness, practicing breathing and grounding techniques, and recognizing physical sensations are all important for strengthening emotional regulation skills. Working with someone who can guide you in exploring your emotions and understanding your body’s responses can also be highly beneficial.
UNCONSCIOUS PREJUDISM and PREFERENTIAL BIAS Stereotypes can limit our ability to understand someone else's perspective, particularly when we are unaware of them operating unconsciously. When individuals fail to recognize their unconscious biases, they may engage in arguments without humility or consideration for the other person's point of view. This can result in a distorted view of the other person, causing inaccurate assumptions about their motives and intentions.
MORALISTIC JUDGEMENTS- Moralistic judgments imply "wrongness" or "badness" on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values. When we express our values and needs in this form, it increases defensiveness and resistance. Remember not to confuse moral judgment and value judgment. Moral judgments determine whether someone's actions are good or bad, while value judgments simply state the facts and their values. For example: "Violence is bad" vs "I am fearful of using violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of violence through other means." When we express our values and needs in a moralistic manner, it can lead to increased defensiveness and resistance from the very people we are trying to connect with. If they do comply with our needs and values, it may be only due to fear, guilt, or shame, as they agree with our assessment of what is “wrong”. Eventually, the consequences of their compliance may be that they suffer emotionally and experience decreased self-esteem. When people start associating us with these negative feelings, they may be less likely to respond compassionately to our needs and values in the future.
COMPARISONS- The comparison game can be dangerous. When we compare ourselves to others, we often either elevate ourselves or diminish our worth, which leads to feelings of superiority or inferiority. This mindset creates a barrier to genuine connection and understanding. It can lead to resentment, jealousy, or lack of appreciation for our own and others' unique journey. These are all things that block the heart center and our ability to experience compassion.
Instead of focusing on judgment and competition, we should prioritize understanding and empathy to avoid these negative outcomes.
DENIAL OF ANOTHER’S EXPERIENCE- Person A says, “I’m angry that you weren’t here when you said you would be.” Person B responds, “Oh, come on. It’s not a big deal—I was stuck in traffic. Why don’t you cut me some slack? This isn’t something to get so worked up over.”
Here, Person B is attempting to downplay the situation and defend themselves, rather than addressing Person A's feelings, which can make Person A feel as though their emotions aren’t being acknowledged or valued. When we try to "win" by deciding whose reality is more valid, we not only deny their experience but also their reality. Imagine if your own reality was constantly dismissed—it’s a painful experience many have endured, especially in childhood, when parents often override a child’s needs and desires.
It's important to recognize and acknowledge other people's pain and struggles, rather than minimizing them. It's essential to remember that reality isn’t just limited to our own perspective. When we insist on always being right, we lose the opportunity for connection, growth, and understanding. Unfortunately, this happens because our defenses often kick in more quickly than our ability to emotionally regulate, making it difficult to respond with empathy.
DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY- Denying responsibility means refusing to accept that we are accountable for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as how we communicate and react. For instance, phrases like "You make me feel guilty" and "I had to" shift the blame away from ourselves and deny personal responsibility for our feelings and thoughts.
When someone feels attacked or that they are potentially on trial, they may try to deny responsibility and shift the blame. This is similar to a defensive block, like a "Saving Throw" in the game Dungeons & Dragons. In the game, a saving throw is a roll of the dice used to determine whether a character can avoid or reduce the effects of a harmful situation, such as a spell, an attack, or a trap. Denial is one type of “Saving Throw” and it often happens as a result of fear of imminent attack. Either by denying it, minimizing it, or sharing the blame, the goal is to reduce the amount of perceived heat given by “cushioning the attack.”
We disown our actions when we attribute them to external factors: "I washed dishes because I had to," "I hit my dog because it ran into the street," "It wasn’t my fault, it was yours," "I have to go to work because I have to provide for my family," and "I yelled at you because you made me mad." However, it's important to reframe these statements to show accountability. We can replace language that suggests a lack of choice with language that acknowledges our choices.
When we are unaware of our responsibility for our behavior, thoughts, and feelings, we can become a danger to ourselves and others. This 'saving throw' may be self-protective in the moment, however, it will not yield the intended effects. Most likely, the person who is addressing the issue will become frustrated with the lack of accountability and invalidation given to them. They will feel gaslit and their feelings minimized. This can lead to resentment and discourage communication.
It’s crucial to recognize and validate the pain and struggles of others rather than denying or minimizing them.

OTHER FORMS OF DETRACTING LANGUAGE

Demanding desires as a right- Entitlement runs deeper than we often realize. At a basic level, people tend to focus on their wants and desires, which is natural. However, in communication, this can sometimes be expressed in a way that overlooks the fact that these are personal desires—not obligations for others to fulfill. When we approach someone with a desire, it should be treated as a request, not a demand. A demand, whether explicit or implied, carries an underlying threat of blame or punishment if the other person doesn’t comply. This approach rarely leads to positive outcomes in the long run. Even if the other person agrees, their compliance may stem from fear rather than genuine willingness, which can eventually lead to resentment.
Awarding and Punishing Merit- In line with the previous point, when a partner is motivated by reward and punishment, their actions risk becoming inauthentic over time. The belief that "They deserve to be punished" assumes inherent "badness" and suggests the individual must atone in order to change. However, true and lasting change is more effective when it arises from a personal understanding that the change benefits oneself, rather than from a desire to avoid punishment.
In some family cultures, punishment is seen as a normal form of discipline, with the belief that by experiencing pain, a person will fully understand the harm they caused and never repeat the behavior. Yet, this form of discipline often carries an undercurrent of revenge—inflicting harm in response to being wronged. While it may seem like a way to correct behavior, punishment rooted in revenge usually causes more harm than intended. It can escalate conflicts, create a cycle of retaliation, harm mental health, and damage relationships.
Focusing on forgiveness and finding constructive, compassionate ways to resolve conflicts tends to be far more beneficial for both mental well-being and relationship health.

Clearing the Blockages

Now that we have identified things that cause blockages of compassion, we can take a look at some ways to assist in clearing them. Clearing blockages of compassion involves self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and intentional practices that aim to facilitate empathy and kindness with an open heart.

LEARN TO OBSERVE WITHOUT EVALUATION Observing without observation involves cultivating a state of awareness where you notice your thoughts and feelings without judgment or attachment. This practice allows you to create a mental space between your reactions and your emotions, enabling you to recognize the underlying blockages of compassion. By simply observing your internal landscape, you can identify biases and negative patterns without being overwhelmed by them. This mindful approach encourages a more compassionate response to yourself and others, fostering empathy and understanding in your interactions.
HONOR DIFFERENCES and FOSTER EMPATHY Stone, Patton, and Heen suggest, “Inviting the other person into the conversation with us, to help us figure things out. If we’re growing to achieve our purpose, we have lots we need to learn from them and lots they need to learn from us. We need to have a learning conversation,” (17).
PUT YOURSELF IN OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES- Consciously try to see situations from others' perspectives. Understand their emotions, struggles, and motivations, and remember that everyone has their own inner battles. Try to imagine what they are feeling and experiencing and what they need.

ACTIVE LISTENING- This is perhaps the most crucial aspect of communication, yet ironically one of the hardest for many people. Often, we don’t listen to understand—we listen to respond. True engagement involves practicing non-judgmental listening without the urge to fix or correct, which strengthens connection and fosters empathy. Active listening goes beyond just hearing the words; it’s about showing the other person that you’re fully present. This means maintaining eye contact, avoiding distractions, refraining from interruptions, and using clarifying questions and validations to demonstrate understanding. Resist the impulse to argue or interject with counterpoints. Active listening requires patience, mindfulness, and sometimes the discipline to “hold your tongue” while practicing emotional regulation skills.

“I am Right” vs “Yes, And” Many arguments turn into an “I am right and you are wrong” discussion, with each person desperately trying to win their case by providing enough evidence and detail. However, as we know this never works well, as each person believes they are equally “right.” Instead of trying to learn who is right, adopt the “Yes, And” approach. This grants everyone’s perspective equal respect and space in the discussion. Embrace the richness and beauty of diverse worldviews and perspectives. We each notice and interpret different information, and no one knows us better than we know ourselves. Our unique perspectives and individual interpretations, shaped by implicit rules, create a vibrant mosaic of experiences. Life would be dull and colorless if everything were the same, but it’s this diversity that adds depth and variety, making life more interesting and meaningful.

MEDITATION, BREATHWORK, ENERGY WORK First and foremost, intention is key. Affirm to yourself that this is what you want because you know it benefits you. This mindset enhances self-reflection, increases awareness, and fosters compassion. It helps you recognize negative thoughts while encouraging more positive thinking.
Meditation is an excellent practice for building mindfulness. It allows you to sit in a state of minimal distraction, cultivating awareness without judgment. Over time, this strengthens your ability to stay present and mindful in daily life.
Breathwork is another powerful tool for promoting relaxation and emotional regulation. Various breathwork techniques have been known to support deep healing and help open and balance the chakras.
Energy work complements both meditation and breathwork. It involves focusing on emotional experiences within the body and actively working to shift them. By intentionally cultivating positive emotions, thoughts, and energies—such as love, hope, and compassion—you can retrain your body and mind to adopt these as your default states.
HEALING PAST WOUNDS

Forgiveness: Letting go of past grievances—whether it’s toward others or yourself—can unblock compassion. This doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior but choosing to release the emotional burden it causes.

Therapy or Counseling: Working with a therapist can help uncover deep-seated emotional wounds or beliefs that hinder your capacity for compassion and empathy.

CHALLENGE BIAS AND JUDGEMENT

Examine your biases- Often, blockages to compassion arise from unconscious judgments or biases. Acknowledge any preconceived notions you may have about others and work to dismantle them by fostering curiosity and openness.

Practice non-judgment- When you catch yourself being critical or dismissive of others, pause and reframe your thoughts. Remind yourself that everyone has struggles, even if they are not immediately visible, and most people are doing the best they can with what they have at the time.

By consciously practicing these steps, you can gradually release blockages and create more space for compassion in your life. It’s a journey that requires patience, but the rewards are greater emotional freedom, deeper connections, and a more peaceful heart.

-With Peace and Love,

Stephanie M. Perez, LPC