Boundaries, the key to life

"Boundaries" refer to the lines that separate us from the rest of the world. They help us communicate our needs to others through our words and actions. They serve as a means to define our expectations and needs, which in turn, make us feel secure and safe in our relationships and in our world. The Taoist symbol, the Yin Yang, represents the interweaving and balancing of the masculine and feminine, positive and negative, light and dark aspects of life. The symbol reflects the ever-flexing boundary system between these two dichotomous forms, that constantly maintain a balance between each other.

Boundaries exist in various forms in our society, such as traffic circles and parking spots, as well as social boundaries that dictate the acceptable space and distance between strangers in different locations. Boundaries also exist in the natural world, separating land from water, earth from air, and night from day. While we try our best to adhere to these boundaries, it can be challenging at times. We all have our desired outcomes, and sometimes we may end up pushing our boundaries around to achieve them.

Unhealthy boundaries can lead to burnout, resentment, frustration, anger, people-pleasing, anxiety, and depression.

Porous boundaries can entangle emotions, foster codependency, and hinder autonomy. This can lead to people-pleasing, difficulty saying no, and overspending.

Rigid boundaries are unyielding, building walls between oneself and others, leading to dissatisfaction from high expectations, strict enforcement of rules, and perfectionism.

Healthy boundaries are when you are clear about your needs, you say no when needed, you respect other people's boundaries, and you share yourself in ways you feel comfortable.

Maintaining healthy boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care. Many individuals find it challenging to set boundaries, and they may experience emotions such as guilt, sadness, betrayal, and remorse. However, it is important to remember that true love involves allowing others to experience natural consequences and outcomes. The reality is, not setting healthy boundaries can lead to even more severe consequences.

There are various kinds of boundaries that include physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time. We all are familiar with the emotions that arise when these boundaries are violated. For some, it may lead to an anxious feeling in their stomach, while for others, it may cause an impulse to leave the scene, resulting in beads of sweat forming on their forehead. It may also lead to a tensing in the throat, clenching of the jaw, or a deep inhale and exhale.

"How can we achieve this? Let's be specific and focus on finding a solution instead of dwelling on the problem. Clearly state what you need and want, and don't hesitate to say no if necessary. Also, learn to manage any discomfort that may arise during the conversation. Although it's reasonable to expect a mature response from the other person, be prepared for pushback, testing limits, defensiveness, and rationalization. In such situations, it's best to steer the conversation back to your original boundary.

Boundaries are not just about setting limits in your communication with others, and following traffic signals. They also exist within yourself and affect how you treat your internal system. Do you establish clear boundaries for yourself, or are your boundaries porous? Do you tend to indulge excessively in certain things, such as binge eating, staying up late at night, or consuming too many sweets? Are you avoiding going to the dentist or neglecting your health in some other way? Are your boundaries too rigid? Are you always rejecting opportunities? Do you struggle to receive love? Do you restrict yourself from slowing down and enjoying the moment? These are all areas of life where our boundaries can come into play. When we keep things within our boundaries, they tend to flow more smoothly, much like a twig that flows through a river without getting caught on any obstacles. It glides effortlessly around the twists and turns of the river, never getting hung up on anything.

-with peace and love

Stephanie M. Perez, LPC

Tawwab, N.G., The Set Boundaries Workbook. (2021).